A Shattered Vessel
by Chiallabear
Summary: The Grey Tower is an RP site based on the premis of a third Tower that trains both men and women to channel. This is the story of one girl, from Novice to Aes Sedai.
1. Introduction

  


_Introduction_

  
  


Catieri al'Cardyn was a shy girl. She was quiet and reponsible. She was polite. She was humble. As the second of five children born to a tabac farmer in the Two Rivers, she did not stand out at all. In fact, her own family rarely took notice of her. Until she ran away, at least. All her sixteen years, she had secretly longed to be Aes Sedai. One day, she simply decided to act. She packed a bag and left. 

The Grey Tower. She had often ridden her horse out to a nearby hilltop just to catch a glimpse of the tall structure at the foot of the mountains, and now she was going. 

It was early morning. Very early morning. She glanced at herself in the mirror, taking in her long, brown hair and her blue eyes. Those eyes were the only thing remotely remarkable about her. No one in the Two Rivers had such light-coloured eyes. She ran her fingers through her hair again. She did not want to look worn out before she ever left! With a last glance over the farm, she led her horse out of the gates and onto the road. She would wait to ride until the noise would not rouse her sleeping family. It was not that Catieri never expected to see her home again, but she knew it would be a long while. 

Judging herself out of earshot at last, she mounted her restless grey. The mare had wanted to run since they had cleared the gates. She gave the mare her head and curled down to let the animal move as quickly as it desired. 

The Grey Tower...to be Aes Sedai...a life where people might finally take notice of her.... 

Catieri was looking forward to her future. 


	2. Severed

  


_Severed_

  
  


Catieri wandered into the classroom and wondered if the teachers had any time for her. They all looked very busy. She cleared her throat and called, "Hello...? My name is Catieri al'Cardyn, I'm here for a lesson...?" 

"No you are creating the weave in a manner that I did not instruct you to," said Phylia to the two young women on all white in front of her. "There are to be no holes in the shield, none...." 

"B-b-but Phylia Sedai this is the fir-" one of the girls was saying when Phylia place her cold hypnotizing green eyes on the Novice. The girl quickly lowered her head. 

"Continue trying, you will learn this weave by the end of the hour," Phylia said in her trademark icy tone. 

"Hello...? My name is Catieri al'Cardyn, I'm here for a lesson...?" Said a voice from behind Phylia. She turned to see the newest member of the class. 

"Hello Novice Catieri, I am Phylia Sedai, your teacher. Embrace the source now, c'mon I don't have all day." 

Catieri stifled a squeak and did as directed. She was new at it, and it took her several tries to embrace the Source, but soon she was standing before the Aes Sedai, filled with saidar. "What now, Aes Sedai?" she asked politely. 

Phylia looked around room looking for something simple for the girl to do. And she found it. 

Pointing quickly, and sternly Phylia said "There, see that candle? Light it." 

Catieri looked dubiously at the candle. She channeled a trickle of Fire at the wick -- a trickle was all she could manage -- but it only made a tiny spark. Phylia Sedai stood staring at her coldly, judging. She had to light the candle! She pulled in a little more saidar, thickened the flow of Fire. Another spark, though brighter this time. More saidar. More. More... 

The flame leapt to the ceiling while Catieri, unconscious, sank to the floor. 

The burst of flame reached the ceiling and spread a little. Phylia quickly embraced the one power and wrapped the flame in a combination of Air, Spirit, and Fire. It kept the burst caged and away from the other students. 

Once the burst was done, Phylia spun around on Catieri. The two Novices who Phylia had been working with stared, mouths wide open staring at Catieri. They had successfully made the shield and one was holding it on another. 

Phylia ran to Catieri and felt for a pulse. Yes, she was still alive. Picking her up in threads of air, Phylia began to run for Mistress of Novices study... 

***

Catieri awoke with a jolt of pain in her head. She blinked and started to look around, felt a wave of nausea sweep over her, and closed her eyes again. Opening them more cautiously, she looked up at the ceiling. It was moving. Something told her that ceilings were not supposed to move. She looked down and saw the floor, two feet beneath her, moving at the same rate. She was floating! She moaned, closed her eyes once more, and sank into nothingness. 

Phylia ran through the Halls of the Tower as fast as she could. In front of her lay Novice Catieri, suspended by arms of air created by Phylia. She was finally in the Halls of the Yellows getting closer to the infirmary. The girl had taken in too much Saidar. Phylia had already done a delving on her and found...the worse. 

Running into the infirmary Phylia cried out, "Shalmistra! Shalmistra, we have Novice in dire need!" 

Shalmistra rose at the sight of Phylia in the doorway of the Infirmary, a worried look on her normally stoic face. Behind her, an unknown Novice was laying prostrate in the air as though supported on a table. To most women, they would see nothing but a gleeman's tale walking, to a born Channeler like Shalmistra, the glow of Saidar plainly surrounded Phylia and bands of Air supported the girl. 

"What happened?" The Yellow asked, walking across the room and gesturing to a bed. "I trust the girl is merely sick and not hurt, correct?" 

Phylia gently placed the Novice on a bed and then raised her head to Shalmistra on the other side of it. 

"It...It is the worst, Shalmistra. She is my student in the One Power Basics class and she took too much. I have done a Delving on and found...that she is burned out. My Talent in Delving is minimal, very small. But it was enough to give me a hint. Maybe you could find more?" 

Phylia looked down and a jolt of guilt ran through her. 

Shalmistra Delved the Novice, her face a picture of concentration and worry as she wove fine threads of saidar, wondering what Phylia meant by "the worse." Probing gingerly, she gasped and stepped back slightly from the form of the prostrate Novice. "She's burnt herself out! What in the name of the Light was she doing to cause this?" 

She shook her head, feeling sorry for the girl, but at the same time thankful that it was not her in that awful position. Weaving Healing threads, she woke the child gently, removing her exhaustion and bringing her slowly to consciousness. 

"Novice," She murmured, not knowing the girl's name. "I am afraid I have some troubling news for you. It appears you have burnt yourself out, and I fear that I cannot fully Heal it. All the Yellow Brothers are away from the Tower, and from my experience with Healing, they are the only ones who can fully restore the burnt out ability in women." She sighed and glanced at Phylia, not quite sure what to do in this instance. "Are you alright, dear?" 

Catieri awoke to find two Aes Sedai staring down at her. "Wha...?" she tried to ask as she struggled to sit up. Then Shalmistra Sedai spoke, and the words echoed in Catieri's head. Burnt out. Unable to channel. She laughed bitterly...A novice unable to channel. Would they send her away? What would happen? She surged to her feet and ran from the room, sudden tears obscuring her vision. She didn't know where she was running to, but the knowledge that she couldn't run away from reality was only a vague nuisance at the back of her mind. She ran and ran and ran, until she fell, had tripped over something, no, someone... "I'm sorry..." she choked out, trying clumsily to pick herself up. "I..." 

Stefyne had been sitting peacefully reading a new book she had borrowed from the library, making notes on a piece of parchment beside her when another novice came hurtling towards her, tripping over Stefyne's legs and sprawling across the floor. It was difficult to know whose fault it was - Stefyne certainly should have been sitting in a more suitable place to do her work - but she didn't seem to have much space in her room. It hadn't been tidy since the day Stefyne had arrived, but the novice should have been looking where she was going. It was only after Stefyne had had this thought that she actually focused on the novice, she was almost certain she had never seen anyone as distressed as her before. 

Stefyne stood herself and then reached out a hand to help the girl stand. 

"Are you alright?" she asked uncertainly, it was obvious that she wasn't, but Stefyne wanted to try and help, and asking was the only thing she could think of doing at the moment. 

"I..." Catieri stared at the floor as she smoothed her skirts. Was she all right? "Yes, I'm fine," she said quickly. "I'm so sorry. Did I hurt you?" The polite apology and concern came easily, but she was hardly aware of the other novice. She just stared at the floor, words turning over and over in her head. Burnt out...unable to channel...unable to Heal...all right? She didn't notice the girl staring at her, didn't notice Phylia Sedai coming up the corridor, didn't notice, didn't notice... 

Stefyne stared at the novice, she had been in the tower long enough to be able to tell if someone could channel, and something about this novice felt...wrong. She had an idea what it might be, but that was impossible! Wasn't it? Stefyne notice an Aes Sedai coming down the hall towards her, no, towards the other novice, but her thoughts were still occupied with what was 'off' about the woman. "Are you...um, did you...have...?" Stefyne couldn't complete the question, she wasn't even sure she wanted the answer. 

***

Phylia walked the Halls of the Yellow Ajah at a quick walk. Deep down she still felt that strange...sensation. What was it? She would need to talk to Chialla about this...she could help her. 

Turning a corner Phylia could now see the Infirmary. As she entered she saw Catieri lying in her bed and with another girl with her. Phylia felt rather protective of Catieri now, for some strange reason. Embracing Saidar, Phylia wove a ward against sound around Catieri, so that their talking wouldn't disturb her. 

Walking up to the Novice she said, "Hello Novice, I am sorry I do not know your name. Do you have business with Catieri?" 

Stefyne looked up, her thoughts interrupted by Phylia Sedai. 

"I...uh. No, not really," she said distractedly, then blushed when she realized what she was saying. "Aes Sedai," she added belatedly, curtsying with her head bowed deep to hide her flushed cheeks. 

"I...tripped her up, and I couldn't help noticing that she...that her...well, you know," Stefyne didn't want to say what she had been thinking when the other novice tripped over her - she hadn't been sure until Phylia Sedai had taken her off to the infirmary. 

"I'll leave if I am disturbing her...?" Stefyne was hoping to be raised to the brown Ajah, and this was very interesting to study, but that was not the only reason she wanted to stay. She didn't really know Catieri, but she felt incredibly sorry for her, and wanted be there if she wanted someone to talk to who wasn't an Aes Sedai. She would go, though, if Phylia Sedai asked her to. 

Phylia's cold statement changed little as the girl spoke. Then she said, "Child, there was an accident with Catieri in my One Powers Basic Class, she has burned herself out. She has yet to become conscious, and Shalmistra has been unable to ask permission from her to Heal her. Yellow ethics says that one must ask permission of those to be healed before any healing is to be done. For that reason you do not feel the same feeling around Catieri as you do me." 

"I have nothing against you staying, but I do not see how you will be able to study her until she awakens. Come." Then Phylia walked to the opposite side of Stefyne, and let go of the Ward. She grabbed Catieri's hand, she seemed to be coming awake, or was she? 

Stefyne looked to the door, and then back at the Aes Sedai, finally resting her eyes on the novice lying on the bed. She wasn't sure whether she should stay or go. She didn't know the other novice, but she thought that if the situation were reversed she would like someone of her own rank there. But then, Catieri wasn't her, and she might feel differently. 

Burnt herself out! She can't channel! 

"She will be able to be healed though, won't she, Phylia Sedai?" Stefyne asked. She was still standing at the end of the bed, ready to leave as soon as necessary. 

Catieri's dreams were haunted by the echoing words. Burnt out...unable to Heal...all right? Sometimes she heard other voices, other words, but those echoed down through the depths of her soul, spinning nightmares around themselves. Finally she woke up, drenched in sweat but shivering cold, to see Phylia Sedai and a Novice standing near her bed. 

"Wh...What happened?" she asked the Aes Sedai, afraid that she already knew the answer. The dreams, the memories, it all seemed so distant, so far removed from herself...it couldn't be the truth, could it? 

Phylia was about to answer the girl when she heard the loud steps of no other than.... 

"Rolanda Moroso, I am glad to see you. We need your help this child had an accident in my One Power Basics class. I am afraid Shalmistra...is terribly busy." 

The paled skinned Yellow raised an eyebrow and said, "An accident Phylia? Or were you too lacking in common sense to realize the girl was doing something wrong?" Rolanda gave out a "Hmph" and then said to Stefyne "Move girl, you don't really expect me to Delve on this girl working around you do I?" Roland wove the threads for Delving and closed her eyes. 

Phylia remained calm as Rolanda said the biting words. She motioned for Stefyne to sit next to her, it would be better if Catieri had a girl her own age be with her at this time. Maybe they would become friends, Catieri would need friends with the news Rolanda was about give them. 

"She has burned herself out. I am surprised she is not dead. I am also afraid that there is nothing I will do for her. If I heal her she will be too weak even to remain in the Tower. Kyelen has not been in the Tower for some years now. I am afraid there is no man who can help her. The only man that may be able to help her is in fact a Soldier, a coward by the name of Ithan Brandfor. He has the Talent strong; maybe when he is raised to Dedicated he may be able to help her. But until then we must leave her as she is." 

Phylia grasped Catieri's hand and looked down at the girl. "I am so sorry child..." 

Stefyne bit back a gasp and clapped her hand over her mouth. She also had to bite back a demand for either of the Aes Sedai to go and get this soldier Rolanda had mentioned to heal Catieri. She couldn't believe it was possible for someone to be able to channel one minute, thinking they were perfectly safe in a class run by an Aes Sedai, and the next discovering you could no longer channel, and there was nothing anyone could do - perhaps ever. Thinking about that, Stefyne glanced curiously at Phylia Sedai, who had taken hold of Catieri's hand; what exactly had happened in her class? Shouldn't she be making sure things like this couldn't happen? 

Stefyne just waited for Catieri to respond in any way to what she had been told, she was standing - ready to either leave or stay, whatever Catieri wanted her to do - but she stepped forward a little to look around Phylia Sedai at the other novice. 

Catieri didn't speak for a long time. She withdrew into herself until they had all gone, until only Rolanda Sedai remained. "Rolanda...Sedai...," she whispered hesitantly. "Are...are you sure there's nothing...?" Blood and ashes, how she wanted to taste saidar again! How long since the accident? A few hours, perhaps, but it seemed an eternity. She grasped the Aes Sedai's sleeve, pulled her closer. "Anything!" 

Rolanda wanted to slap the girl for having touched her. She was about to also, until the girl said, "Anything!" Rolanda stopped for a second and thought. Yes, a new recruit would be perfect for the Dark Lord. 

"Anything child? I know of a way to give you back your power. I for I can take you to He who is all power. To he who can give you back what has been taken from you from that icicle of an idiot named Phylia. Tell me now child and I will take you to he who can give you back what you miss...and give you revenge." Rolanda said. 

Catieri lay there shivering, staring up at Rolanda Sedai. Was...was she talking about the...Dark One...? Catieri hugged herself, trying to get warm. She was so cold... "I..." she started, stopped when her teeth chattered. She tried again, whisper barely audible. "I...Yes. Anything.... 


	3. Restored

  


_Restored_

  
  


Catieri trembled as she followed the Accepted down the corridor, staring intently at the bands on the hem of the other girl's dress, trying not to think about their destination. She caressed the pain that hovered around the edges of her being, held it to her like a lifeline, like a child with a favorite stuffed toy. Its constant presence had been her only companion for so many nights, for so many days, lonely days beyond number. It had been just two years since the...accident; not long at all, but all too long, a lifetime when counted by those lonely days and nights, and the pain was as fresh today as it had been when she had first regained consciousness and realized what had happened. She still cried at night sometimes. Most times. 

The Accepted stopped in front of a door in the Yellow halls. The door looked like all the rest, but Catieri stared at it a long moment, a stab of apprehension tearing at her heart, nearly panicking. The Accepted knocked and brusquely ushered Catieri inside as soon as the door opened wide enough to admit them. A Yellow sister waited inside, a sympathetic smile on her face. How Catieri hated such looks! Sympathy? Ha! Pity. She curtsied to the Aes Sedai and waited for instruction, her eyes glued to the toes of her sturdy shoes that peeked out from under the hem of her dress, her Novice white dress, in spite of her inability to channel. 

* * *

Leha Tagith Aes Sedai, long time Sitter and new Head of the Yellow Ajah, smiled at the Novice, Catieri. Only last night she had finished the new _ter'angreal_ she had been working for weeks to perfect, and Catieri was to be the first real use it was put to. It was a _ter'angreal_ made to Heal the injury known by so many names; Stilling, Gentling, Burning Out, Severing.... In Catieri's case, the girl had burned herself out trying to hold too much saidar during a channeling lesson. She motioned the girl toward a chair and opened the closet that took up most of one wall. 

"Sit down, dear. I'll just be a minute," she murmured, tapping her lips and studying the shelves inside the closet. 

The shelves were filled with _ter'angreal_, most of which were meant to Heal various ailments and injuries. The new _ter'angreal_ nestled in a velvet-lined box and took up a prime spot in the middle of the top shelf. She pulled it down carefully and gently opened the box. Inside was a _ter'angreal_; two _ter'angreal_, really; just as an _a'dam_ could be made without the leash physically connecting the parts, so too was this a bracelet and necklace. Setting the box down on her lightly gilded Domani style desk, she clasped the bracelet about her own wrist, smiling at her own handiwork. The pieces really were beautiful, and might do for jewelry some night. So long as she remembered not to channel while wearing it, at least. She lifted the necklace from the box and approached the terrified-looking Novice Catieri. 

"Hold your hair out of the way," she said, smiling reassuringly. "Let me put this on you now, but we won't start until you're ready." 

* * *

Catieri did as told, lifting her long, dark hair, unbraided now, out of the way while Leha Sedai put the necklace on her. Funny that she had waited so long for the right to braid it, and yet wore it down most of the time now. The metal of the _ter'angreal_ was cool against her skin, even cold. She swallowed hard, and the necklace tightened uncomfortably. It was more of a collar than a necklace, really. After all this time, she had her doubts as to whether she would ever be truly Healed or not. Surely, the _ter'angreal_ wouldn't work and she would be sent away until Leha Sedai had made more changes. Or someone would come in with an urgent message for the Aes Sedai and Catieri would go back to scrubbing floors for the next year and a half. Or the Tower would catch on fire and everyone would have to help put the fire out and Catieri would be forgotten again.... She swallowed again and smoothed her skirts, trying hard to remain calm. To channel again...to taste _saidar_...to taste sweet life itself, even for the briefest of moments.... 

"I'm ready," she said after a few minutes. Her voice was the barest whisper, and she licked her lips nervously, waiting for something to happen. 

* * *

Leha channeled flows of each element into the gems set around the top of the bracelet. As she channeled, she watched the flows spread out from the gems and surge down the intricate filigree patterns that encircled her wrist. Most of the gems were for Fire and Spirit, and those two elements dominated the braid of saidar that was quickly moving from the gems on the bottom of the bracelet toward the matching necklace that Catieri wore. The flows wrapped themselves through Catieri's necklace, entering through the jewels and spreading along that same filigree design. Leha directed the threads carefully, searching for the slight cut feeling that signaled the point of severing. When she found it, she channeled more Fire and Spirit into the stones on the bracelet and watched as the emptiness was made whole. 

* * *

Catieri had squeezed her eyes shut while Leha Sedai was working, but now they flew open of their own accord. There was a glow around Leha Sedai! There was..she...it.... The Source! Catieri closed her eyes again and went through the nearly forgotten exercise of imagining herself as a lily, opening to the warm sunlight, opening herself to _saidar_.... She opened her eyes, filled with tears now, as much as she herself was filled with _saidar_, and looked at the Aes Sedai before her. Everything seemed to be filled with more beauty and grace than she had ever seen, Leha Sedai most of all. She threw herself, weeping, against the older woman, hugging her in boundless gratitude. 

"Thank you," she whispered between sobs. "Thank you." 


	4. Fragmented

  


_Fragmented_

  
  


"The first time is for what was. Be steadfast. The way back comes but once." 

Catieri felt a surge of joy at those words, for she was doing what she had long thought impossible. The air was cool against her naked body, and she shivered a little, though more from nervousness than the slight breeze. She stood at the Arch for a moment and stroked the silver ter'angreal thoughtfully, then stepped inside. 

Catieri blinked in the bright sunshine. The stones under her bare feet held the sun's heat, and made her shift her weight from foot to foot. The Hall was assembled here in the courtyard, all of the Aes Sedai wearing their Shawls, every Asha'man in his black jacket and pins and Ajah cord. The Amyrlin and M'Hael stood before her, looking stern and terrible and beautiful. Her own white Novice dress had been taken from her body and lay crumpled on the ground a few feet away, a visible sign of her position. The unseen proof was the shield that held her from grasping _saidar_. 

"Catieri al'Cardyn, former Novice of the Grey Tower. You have been accused and found guilty of conspiring with the Shadow and doing the work of the Dark One. You are hereby sentenced to Stilling." 

"No!" Catieri screamed, falling to her knees to plead with the Amyrlin and M'Hael, the Hall, anyone who would listen. "You can't do this! I didn't do it, I wasn't Black Ajah!" Her screams turned to sobs when she felt the Source slide away, unable to even sense it now, and her hands tore helplessly at her hair. "I wasn't," she whispered brokenly. 

_The way back comes but once._

The room was dark when Catieri awoke. Rolanda was there, as she was always there, and the Domani sister, Liseitha beside her. The two Yellow sisters were Black Ajah, and had held Catieri in their grasp for longer than she could remember. She sometimes thought that Rolanda must have been present at her birth, for she could not recall when she first met the woman. A man stood behind Liseitha Sedai, a hood shadowing his face. Catieri wondered who it was. 

"Our Brother is going to Heal you, Catieri," Liseitha purred. A jolt of pain shot up Catieri's spine. "You'd like that, wouldn't you?" Pain continued to wrack Catieri's body as the Domani woman practiced her favorite hobby on her; sadism. 

"Yes!" Catieri cried, unable say anything more. 

_The way back comes but once._

Catieri struggled to sit up as the man approached her. The pain lessened but did not entirely cease as he reached toward her. Suddenly, a silver light filled the doorway. 

_The way back comes but once._

The mysterious man was going to Heal her! Catieri would be able to touch _saidar_ again. To touch life itself! 

_The way back comes but once._

Catieri stared at the silver-limned doorway, wondering why it hadn't caught the others' attention. Possibly Liseitha was too intent on hurting her, but Rolanda did not seem to see it either. 

_The way back comes but once._

Catieri wrested herself from the man's grasp and launched herself through the doorway. Into the hallway, into.... 

Into the Arches room. Catieri reached for the Source, realized it was no longer there. She had indeed been Stilled! She sobbed as the water poured over her head. 

"You are washed clean of what sin you may have done, and of those done against you. You are washed clean of what crime you have committed, and of those committed against you. You come to us washed clean and pure, in heart and soul." 

The Aes Sedai in the room realized soon enough what had happened and tried to stop her as she ran to the next Arch. She heard the ceremonial words ring out behind her just as she dove inside. 

"The second time is for what is. Be steadfast. The way back comes but once." 

Catieri blinked in the bright sunshine. The stones under her bare feet held the sun's heat, and made her shift her weight from foot to foot. She embraced the source and channeled threads of Air to cool herself. She reveled in the joy of _saidar_ for a moment longer before letting it go with a soft sigh. When she reached the Shawl, she wouldn't have to take such steps anymore; Aes Sedai ignored heat and cold and all the rest of the weather. She glanced down at the colored bands on the hem of her white dress and wondered bitterly how long that would be. 

Turning her attention back to her vigil, Catieri gazed down into the courtyard once more. There! Chialla Sedai had just stepped into the courtyard and was looking straight back at Catieri. The Aes Sedai beckoned her to follow and headed off toward the channeling yard. Cat slipped her shoes back on and flew down the steps, determined not to keep Chialla Sedai waiting. 

Once in the channeling yard, Catieri followed Chialla's instructions, embracing _saidar_ and weaving thin threads of Fire into patterns. Fire was Catieri's weak point, and the Aes Sedai worked on her daily to try to improve her ability with it. She didn't really mind the exercises, as practicing them gave her an excuse to hold _saidar_. 

_The way back comes but once._

Catieri frowned a little as the weave dissolved. She had thought she heard something, and it distracted her. She began again, this time making a slightly different shape with the threads. The flows were no thicker than hairs, barely more than the trickle she had been capable of before all these special lessons. The intricacy of the pattern, though, showed how much good the lessons were doing. The threads returned to their starting point, and Cat tied off the weave, moving aside to allow Chialla Sedai a better view. The woman nodded distractedly, her attention on the book she had pulled out of her pocket. Catieri sighed and started the exercise once more. 

_The way back comes but once._

Catieri jumped at the sound. She looked around for the source of the voice, but the channeling yard was deserted, which was a little unusual. Chialla Sedai didn't seem to have spoken, or to have noticed if anyone else had. 

_The way back comes but once._

A silver archway appeared a few paces away. Glancing at the Aes Sedai, Catieri saw that the woman was still engrossed in her book. She took a step toward the strange arch. She couldn't seem to see what lay beyond it, so she took a few more steps to take a closer look. She was still holding _saidar_ when she stepped through. 

_Saidar_ faded slowly as Catieri stepped out of the second Arch. Soon enough, she could no longer even sense the Source. She wept anew at the loss and dove into the third Arch, barely waiting for the ritual words to be repeated, the water poured over her body. She ignored the worried looks on the Aes Sedai's faces. 

"You are washed clean of false pride. You are washed clean of false ambition," the words intoned. "You come to us washed clean and pure, in heart and soul." 

"The third time is for what will be. Be steadfast. The way back comes but once." 

Catieri blinked in the bright sunshine. The stones under her bare feet held the sun's heat, and made her shift her weight from foot to foot. She sighed disconsolately and turned her attention back to the broom in her hands. She kept a sharp look out for Aes Sedai or Asha'man who would tell her to put her shoes back on, who would look pityingly at her. 

Liseitha Sedai and Rolanda Sedai rounded a corner, and Catieri hurriedly shoved her feet back into her shoes. She swept the stones of the courtyard, head down, hoping they weren't looking for her. Hoping in vain. The two Black Aes Sedai hurried straight toward her, determined looks on both ageless faces. 

"Come," Rolanda said brusquely, laying a firm hand on Catieri's shoulder. 

_The way back comes but once._

They hustled her out of the courtyard, into the Tower, and through labyrinthine corridors to a small room far beneath the main floor. A man sat beside a table, a hood concealing his features. There was a narrow bed in one corner, but no other furniture. The man stood as the three women entered, and moved forward to meet them. He put his hands on Catieri's head, and she could see his eyes underneath the hood. She could suddenly feel the Source again! If the man had been so much as a breath less intimidating than he was, she would have kissed him. As it was, she fainted. 

When Catieri awoke, she was not in the same room. This room was larger, though not by much, and there were several people in it. She was propped up on either side by Rolanda and Liseitha, sagging in between them like a rag doll. She straightened up, earning surprised looks from the two Aes Sedai. A man was tied to a table at the other end of the room. Catieri wondered for a moment what they would do to him, but one look at the eager statement on Liseitha's face told her exactly what was going to happen. She felt sick to her stomach. 

_The way back comes but once._

There was no way to tell who had spoken those cryptic words. There was no time to wonder about it as Liseitha pushed forward enthusiastically, dragging Catieri with her. When they stood next to the table, the woman embraced the Source and directed Catieri to do the same. She began questioning the man, encouraging him to answer with morsels of Power-induced pain until he spoke. Catieri looked around her and noticed a hooded figure watching her from across the table. She wondered idly if it was the man who had Healed her. A moment later, however, she knew it was not. The figure across the table was a myrdraal, one of the Eyeless. Catieri shivered, drawing more _saidar_ as if it merely holding it would warm her. 

_The way back comes but once._

Catieri looked around this time, trying to place the speaker. She still could not tell who it was, but a strange silver archway had appeared nearby. She looked curiously at it. 

"Your turn, Catieri," Liseitha smiled, gesturing toward the whimpering man lying before them. It was a terrifying, feral smile. "You saw the weaves I used. I shall continue to do the questioning." 

_The way back comes but once._

Catieri knew what would happen to her if she refused. Much the same thing, really, that was happening to this man. She wondered what he had refused to do. The silver archway was there, just steps away, inviting escape. She stared at the man a long moment, drawing yet more _saidar_, then lunged toward the opening. 

Catieri stood in the Arches room, holding the most saidar she had held in her life, her eyes blazing with a dreadful and unholy light. She was furious that Liseitha had tried to make her torture that man, who was probably innocent. She was terrified that it had all been real, and Liseitha and Rolanda and that myrdraal would hunt her down and torture her. She was afraid she would be stilled once more and never again hold _saidar_. Her eyes flashed. 

It was several minutes before she realized what was happening. Several Aes Sedai were curled up on the floor, holding their heads and rocking back and forth. A few were screaming. 

Catieri wasn't screaming. Catieri was calm. Coldly, terribly calm. Her eyes landed on the Mistress of Novices and she gradually let _saidar_ slip away. She trembled as the Aes Sedai completed the ceremony, the Amyrlin Seat slipping the Great Serpent ring onto Catieri's finger. The Aes Sedai were shaking, too. 

"You are sealed to us now. Welcome, Daughter." the Amyrlin spoke the formula words quietly, uneasily. "Welcome." 

Catieri sank to the floor and wept. 


	5. Storm

  


_Storm_

  
  


Catieri sat on the ground trembling, her legs tucked under her, her banded skirts dusty from the dry earth in the channeling yard. Zaephra Sedai was supposed to meet her there soon to…study her. Something strange - beyond strange - had happened during the ceremony that had raised her to Accepted. No one was quite sure what had happened; only that many of the Aes Sedai present had blacked out for a few moments, and all complained of horrible headaches afterward. Catieri herself barely remembered what had happened after exiting the Arches that last time, so traumatic had been the events inside. She just remembered being very, very frightened, and very, very angry. And saidar. She had been holding saidar, at last. 

Absently braiding her long, dark hair, Catieri ran her tongue across her lips. Her mouth was as dry as the Waste. She had not realized how very nervous, even frightened, she was. What would Zaephra Sedai do to her? Probably shield her. Catieri did not know if she could suffer that again, to be cut off from the Source for any length of time, even if she could still feel it, as one supposedly could through a shield. She drew her knees up to her chest and rearranged her skirts around her, contemplating a thousand things the Indigo sister might do when she arrived. She was so lost in her thoughts that she did not notice Zaephra Sedai approaching. 

"Catieri, Catieri...Why is that name familiar, Araida? I have to see the child in a tick mark, and I know I've heard her name. She was the stilled one, wasn't she? The skulking Novice...I'm sure that one was Catieri. They say she has a new Talent, that's why," Zaephra murmured, giving the half-deaf sister an irritated hitch of her shoulders. Araida had a habit of asking the question you had just answered, and if it was not the most annoying trait she knew...then she didn't want to know what could be more annoying. Begging off a later meeting with Catieri's talent as an excuse, she headed towards the Training Yard, intending to satisfy some of her curiosity about this Accepted. The walk was pleasant; the day before had brought rain, but today was sunny, and humid. Enjoying the fertile warmth of the blossoming world, Zaephra considered spending a few moments hanging over the fences of the Training Yard, but a quick glance upwards told her that Araida had eaten away most of her hour, and she was still so agitated! Perhaps walking quickly would release some of the stress; she simply didn't like repeating herself so often...Before she had done more than dent her temper, she was at the Channeling Yards, standing inside the gates, looking over the few white dresses and the multitude in banded white. 

Catieri was easy to find; she was sitting by herself, a compact ball of a girl leaning against the far wall. Checking her notes on what had happened at the Raising ceremony, Zae frowned. The closest that she could even come to describing this manifested talent was simply "painful Compulsion of an heretofore unknown strength." And she, of all people, knew Compulsion...Compulsion was not what had caused the blinding headache that she was still suffering from the outer fringes of. "Catieri?" Zaephra questioned, sinking down across from the shivering girl. "I've come to have a look at your Talent...why don't we start with what you know about it? What triggered it, what you felt, how much you remember of what you did...Are you cold, child? Would you like to go inside, and have a cup of tea?" 

"N...no, Aes Sedai," Catieri answered quickly. The woman's approach had gone unnoticed until she spoke, and the sound had made Cat jump. She struggled to her feet and made a hasty curtsy as she answered. "No, I am not cold. I would like to go inside, though, if you wish." 

Catieri laid one arm across her stomach as if to quiet the butterflies that had suddenly appeared inside it. Her other hand found its way to her throat, feeling for the collar which was no longer there. With an effort, she pulled it down to her waist and clasped her hands, waiting for the Aes Sedai to speak again. She could feel the Source pulsing just beyond conscious thought and let herself sink ever so slightly into the stream of saidar. She drew on the Power minutely, so minutely, that she was barely aware that she drew on it at all, except for that telltale sharpening of her senses and the overwhelming sweetness of it. She tried not to dry wash her hands, knowing she should not be so nervous, but unable to help it. She was unsure as to whether she should start answering the barrage of questions about that day or wait until they had gone inside. She was still almost certain that the woman would shield her at the first available opportunity, and she clung to the Source like a lifeline. Catieri was unaware of the fine threads of saidar that plaited themselves around her. 

"I don't remember, Aes Sedai. I suppose it was triggered by t...the...Arches," Catieri stumbled a bit over naming the giant silver ter'angreal that had caused her such pain. "Or rather, what was inside them...." 

While she felt that she ought to shield a girl with such an uninvestigated talent, there was no way she could study it if it could not manifest. With interest, she gave the girl a few more leading questions, and then turned her attention to the tiny plaits and weaves of saidar that the girl was creating. She had never worked with that much Spirit, and she had never seen this particular weave before. Barely cognizant of Catieri's softly inflected words, Zae watched what she was doing with complete fascination. 

"Catieri," she inquired, when her charge had stopped talking, and was sitting quietly, "what are you weaving?" 

Catieri started in surprise, noticing the impossibly thin threads of Spirit for the first time. The threads formed a beautiful, intricate net around Catieri's head, like a piece of fine silk lace. It was comprised of a few graceful, sweeping curves and countless small spirals and twists. Tiny, sharp, angry-looking angles lent the whole thing a macabre, dark feeling. She stared at her work in horror, realizing that it was this weave she had thrown at the Aes Sedai in the Arches room the day before. Her fear was palpable, and she unconsciously began twisting the fibers of saidar toward Zaephra Sedai, though she fought not to. They moved so slowly, like pouring honey, and she stretched a hand out to touch them. With a sudden surge of will power, she tied off the dark weave and then picked the whole thing apart, watching the filaments dissipate into the warm autumn air. 

"A storm," she whispered, looking at the Aes Sedai after a moment. She swallowed hard. "I was weaving a storm." 

***

Catieri stared out the window into the grey predawn light. It was raining again. Still. It had been raining for a week, maybe a bit longer. Catieri did not know; she lost track of time now. Days and nights had run together into one unending, nightmarish blur. The Aes Sedai had moved her post-haste from her small room in the Accepted Halls, which she had occupied for only a single night, to an equally small room at one end of the infirmary. Catieri smiled a small, bitter half-smile. Oh yes, Zaephra Sedai had bundled her up quite swiftly, shielding her along the way. Her mind stretched out to caress that shield now, testing it, feeling saidar through it. It was like feeling something through a piece of silk, feelings its presence, its shape, but not its texture. She could tell it was there, waiting to envelope her, but she could not yet immerse herself in it. Time. She needed more time. She laughed at that, a chilling sound. Time was all she had. 

***

They came to her room at all hours, a near-constant stream of Aes Sedai and Asham'man. They came to study, to observe, to "visit," but always to shield her. Some came more often than others; some only once or twice, some nearly every day. Rolanda came every day, and Liseitha, usually together. Aleatha came, too, and Zaephra. Ithan came less often than those four, but still she saw him often. Chialla Sedai had come once or twice, the Brown sister who had once been her teacher. She looked even more distracted than Catieri remembered, though, and infinitely sad. Catieri did not think she was the cause of the sadness, but no rumors touched her in her little cell in the infirmary. It was one of the mysteries that occupied her thoughts in idle hours. 

Liseitha's and Rolanda's company was almost beyond bearing, but she was careful not to let them, or anyone else, know that. They would come to her smiling, and she would smile back, and then the pain would begin. The two Yellow sisters took joy in causing pain, and they did it well, even exquisitely. She got confused sometimes, forgetting that this Liseitha and this Rolanda did not know of the events in her Arches. Those Arches were Catieri's most closely guarded secret; indeed, her only secret, and the one all of her visitors wanted to pry from her. 

It had been two months since her test to gain Acceptance. Her banded dress stayed remarkably clean since she was not allowed out of her room. Everything was brought to her; meals, water for bathing.... She wished they would bring a knife. A razor. Something sharp. But they did not. They brought only misery, and no relief. 

***

The shield. Catieri studied the shield whenever she was awake and alone. They rarely left it tied off, so she had to be very careful about testing it. They mustn't know. She could feel where the focal points of the shield were, where the flows twisted in on themselves, the beginnings of the threads that wrapped around her. She had followed each thread around the shield time after time, feeling where it passed over or underneath another. If she could have seen the outside, she would have said she knew the shield inside and out. But she only knew the inside. She had never heard of anyone unraveling a shield from the inside, but she did not suppose anyone as weak as Catieri, and with a Talent for unweaving, had ever been continuously shielded for six months. The next time it was tied off, she would try it. If she failed, the shield would likely melt into oblivion, carrying her mind with it. Anything had to be better than this, though, and if she failed, she wouldn't have enough wits left to know about it. 

Her chance came a few days after she made up her mind to try. It was early evening, and Liseitha and Rolanda had just left her. The young Sister assigned to maintain the shield had gone to supper, so Liseitha tied the shield off, believing Catieri too absorbed in her pain and too weak in the Power to escape. Catieri's mind had retreated to secret inner places to escape being clouded by the pain, and she struggled back to the surface now. There wasn't much time. Her awareness flew to the place on the shield where the most ends were knotted together, and she began tugging at one and pushing at another. Just a hair's breadth, just half a hair, and she would be able to grasp the threads and unravel it properly. And then…then she would taste saidar, for the first time in half a year. Taste life. 

There. One end had loosened enough for Catieri to grasp it, and she was already sliding it out from between its mates. Within a minute, she had the thing undone and could feel the flows dissolving beneath her mental fingers. She was grasping saidar almost before the shield was gone, reveling in the feel of it. She felt alive again at last, and she lay still for a moment, just exploring how different it was to breathe now that she held saidar. She pushed herself off of her hard, narrow bed and straightened her skirts, relishing the sensation of the soft wool against her fingers. The residual pain from the Black sisters' visit was intensified, as well, but even that was a heightening to be cherished. She took a deep breath and opened the door. 

She was met by a very startled looking Yellow sister whose mouth was full of roasted meat. Catieri smiled beatifically at her, weaving her own shield about the Aes Sedai. She glided through the outer door in a dreamlike haze, aware of everything and nothing all at once. None of the Novices scurrying around the hallways seemed to recognize her, and if they noted anything out of the ordinary, it was just the surreal smile on her face, nothing more. She left the Yellow Halls, but was unsure where she should go. And so she wandered, coming at last to the White Halls. She went up a flight of stairs and sat down on an elegant settee at the landing. Her body ached all over from Liseitha's attentions, and her mind was weary from its wanderings and from unraveling the shield. She regretfully let go of saidar and curled up on the settee. She was asleep within seconds. 


	6. Aftermath

_Aftermath_

Sometimes, Aleatha wished her position didn't require so much of her time. She loved her work, and there was nothing she'd rather do than help her novices and Accepted.  Still, it'd be good to help out in the Infirmary once more, or spend some time with her Bonded, Edwyn. Not that he was any less busy than she was. Or to walk in the Gardens.

She looked through a window and saw a soft drizzle was falling from lead-grey clouds outside. It was only early afternoon but it looked as if darkness may fall in any minute. She hoped winter would come soon; she preferred snow to rain.

Normally, Aleatha had a Novice or Accepted to get her lunch, but she felt like a walk and her schedule allowed her to leave her office for a few minutes. So, the stately White walked down the Halls of her Ajah with a tray of food and a pot of steaming tea, determined to have lunch in the office that was still hers even though she could now more often be found in the office of the Mistress of Novices.

The halls were grand; they amazed her still after all those years. Novices were constantly busy cleaning the spotless white marble floors and Aleatha had to admit they were doing well.

Except for one girl. If her eyes didn't betray her, that was a girl in a nightshift sleeping on one of the cold benches. And if her eyes didn't betray her...

Catieri. Aleatha wondered if they had let her out of the Infirmary or if she had taken her own way out... And she wondered if the danger was still there.

The White embraced _saidar_ and shielded herself against the One Power, a strong shield that could only be broken by a channeler stronger than she was - and few were.

She put the tray down on the next bench and gently touched the girl's cheek. "Wake up, Catieri," she said, whispering in the Accepted's ear. "Wake up!"

Catieri stirred, her mind working uneasily, struggling from the depths of sleep. Trying to warn her. Still more than half asleep, Cat embraced the Source and began to weave her Storm. The graceful curves and jagged points of Spirit twisted around her in a protective halo, like some dark, sleepy angel. She lay still, feeling the cold of the stone around her.

Something was touching her face. No, some_one_. Someone speaking softly, so softly, the warm breath stirring the strand of hair that had escaped the loose knot at her nape. _Wake up, Catieri_, it said. _Wake up!_

She blinked the sleep away from her eyes and looked up. Silver hair and sad grey eyes looked back at her. She smiled a little, remembering her escape from the "private room" in the Infirmary, glad it was Aleatha Sedai who had found her, and not Liseitha or Rolanda. The woman's hand still rested lightly on Catieri's cheek.

"I shielded her, Aes Sedai," she whispered. "I shielded her and left."

As soon as Catieri stirred the glow of _saidar_ appeared around her and threads started forming, a web as delicate as Aleatha had ever seen, even in Healing.

As gently as she could, she wove a shield of Spirit and cut Catieri off from the source.

"I shielded her and left," the girl whispered. Aleatha nodded. There was no need to ask Catieri who 'her' was, undoubtedly it was the Yellow that had been on duty when Cat had left.

Aleatha helped the girl sit up. "Do you know you were about to use your weave again, Catieri? That's why I shielded you. If you assure me you can control it, I will take it away. I want to talk to you, Catieri. Tell me, can you control it?"

Aleatha's steady silver eyes looked at the Accepted questioningly.

That gave Catieri pause. _Could_ she control it? She wasn't sure. But the shield...she mustn't be shielded. And perhaps if she really concentrated on it, as she had studied the first shield, perhaps she could control it. Even learn to use it intentionally.

"I...I think so, Aes Sedai," she murmured, staring bemused at Aleatha's eyes. Such a strange colour, and so sad. Almost as sad as her own. Or, as sad as her own had been before Leha Sedai had Healed her. Now, she wasn't sure, but she thought a haunted, frightened look hung about her eyes. It was wrapped around her soul, whether it showed through her eyes or no. "What do you want to talk to me about?"

She asked only for confirmation, of course. She knew. Her weave was the only thing anyone not Black Ajah ever wanted to ask her about. She pictured the weave now, so beautiful, like twisting rose vines, studded with thorns, wrapping itself around her, extending to caress those around her. Aleatha was right, of course; she needed to be able to control it. To put it to use.

Hesitantly, she let go of the shield between Catieri and the source. "I hope you're sure, Catieri." Taking the girl's hand, she helped her up and guided her towards her office. They arrived and Aleatha noticed once again Catieri was dressed in nothing but a stained nightgown.

The White closed the door behind the Accepted and moved towards a large cupboard, opening one of its carved doors. She took out a clean light grey dress, simple and useful.

Pointing at a second door, she spoke to Catieri. "You can clean yourself up and change over there, Catieri. While you're at it, I want you to think about your definition of good and evil, and your way of deciding if something is good or not."

Her face showed a hint of compassion. "I do not approve of the way the Yellows dealt with your problem, but I am only one woman. I will try, however, to help you my own way."

Channeling a gust of Air, she opened the door to her second room for the Accepted.

Catieri watched the graceful movements of her benefactress as she moved about the room, wondering what sort of definition she wanted. _The Light is good and the Shadow is bad_, she thought, _or something more substantial?_ She doubted, for some reason, that the Aes Sedai would be satisfied with anything so simplistic. She went obediently through the door Aleatha Sedai opened, shutting it softly behind her. She stood before the washstand, washing herself absently, not really seeing anything around her.

_Well, then, how_ do _I define good and evil?_ It was not a question Catieri had ever asked herself, even though she recognized the depth of the evil Rolanda and Liseitha had drawn her into. Evil, of course, stemmed from the Shadow, and yet there was evil in the world that was not of the Shadow. Shadar Logoth was a stunning example, yet even that city had turned on itself while looking for a way to fight the Shadow. All evil, then, must have _some_ root in the Shadow, and the Shadow must have some small claim on the hearts of all men.

And what, then, was good? The Light was good, but what was the Light? It sprang from the Creator, but the Creator was a distant and uninvolved entity, the opposite of the Dark One in every way. Were things good beyond the Light, or did the Light have a hand in all good things, just as the Shadow was behind all evil? The Light was a more vague thing even than the Creator, and was likely more a term to describe all things good than to designate that which came from the Creator. Did not everything come from the Creator? Even the Shadow, and the Dark One? The Light, then, was not the counterpart of the Shadow, being all things that stemmed from the Creator as the Shadow was all the dominion of the Dark One, but was all things good, all things that fought the Shadow.

But could good things exist which did not fight the Shadow? Were there lonely islands of passive goodness in the sea of Shadow-hearted men? Those who would bend in the wind and not let the storm break them? It might be so, but Catieri did not know. She drew the worn grey dress over her head, and then stood staring into the small looking glass.

"And which am I?" she asked herself before she went back into Aleatha's front room. "One who would break?"

_Or one already broken._


End file.
